Breathing
by Lady Akemi
Summary: Sequel to "And So It Goes". Begins about half an hour after the other fic leaves off--she's consented to go with him, now what? A third fic to wrap up this arc will be coming soon.


This begins about half an hour after "And So It Goes" leaves off. Go read that first, if you haven't already. My standard spell checking disclaimer applies-really gotta get that fixed. This is a long one, so get comfortable. Mild sap alert toward the end.   
  
This is quite long for a songfic. I apologize..it just refused to be anything but a songfic, despite the fact that it probably should have been straight text. Bear with me.   
  
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Zechs had always hated the word hubbub. As far as he was concerned it invariably called to mind images of sweaty, brawling men disrupting the relatively tranquil atmosphere of a pub. However, looking about himself now he decided that his mental definition had been incorrect. "Hubbub" was precisely the word needed to characterize the atmosphere in the Preventers' situation room less than an hour following an attempted coup. Comlinks were beeping madly, dozens of uniformed men and women were scurrying about on hundreds of pressing errands, and above it all, the calm, reasonable voices of Lucretzia noin and Sally Po seemed to set the cadence for the throbbing noise.   
  
"Do we have that damage report yet?"  
  
"How long before we have a complete list of the immediate casualties? At this point I don't care what their prognosis is, I just want some hard numbers!"  
  
"For heaven's sake Peter, don't look so bewildered. Go ask whoever's in charge of the Brussels unit how many agents he lost-and while you're at it, Une's gonna want to talk to whoever should have been monitoring this situation more closely. All's well that ends well, but I have a feeling heads are never the less going to roll."   
  
Though he wore his Preventers' uniform with a newfound and somewhat unexpected pride, Zechs remained standing quietly off to one side. He had come to help fight the fire, but these people were trained and certified to perform the duties that needed to be executed now. Occasionally one or another of the harried Preventers would glance in his direction, perhaps to ascertain why one of their number was permitted a respite. Then, looking momentarily startled the young man or woman would consult his or her companions, eyebrows would be raised and the work would continue uninterrupted.   
  
He knew what they were thinking. The fact that they so studiously pretended not to find his continued presence out of the ordinary told him all he needed to know. He recognized a fair number of the younger agents by name-or at least, remembered their faces. Some had been under his command during the years he had spent working for OZ, others had obeyed his quiksotic leadership aboard the Libra. Most had feared him, some had respected him and all had hated him at one time or another.   
  
Their nearly uniform reaction to his new persona both amused and saddened the former Lightening Count. Idly he wondered if anyone would ever look at him as a normal man again. Granted, no one had since the last few months of his training at Lake Victoria-not since he had donned the mask that had been the trademark of Zechs Marquise.   
  
Actually, that wasn't completely true. A select few had been privy to his deepest secrets, and the emotional turmoil that had finally, with the help of Epyon, overridden his reason. There had only been two such people. One was dead.   
  
The other was Noin.   
  
His eyes sought those of his best friend. Part of him wished that she would delegate some of her currently enormous workload to somebody else so that they could talk. But that was one of the things he loved most about her-she would fulfill her duties to the utmost of her ability, without complaint and without needing to be encouraged to work hard. Noin was standing beside a capable looking blonde, with whom she seemed to be engaged in urgent conversation. Frequently one or another of the two women would look up and bark an order, which was always obeyed instantly. Noin had hurredly introduced him to her partner while ushering him into the room some twenty minutes earlier, and it was obvious from the efficiency with which the two were handling this situation that they made quite an excellent team.   
  
Just as he had earlier that evening when Noin had first mentioned Sally, Zechs began to feel the faint stirrings of jealousy. Irritated by his highly immature response, he forced himself to pay attention to the frenetic scene unfolding before him. Watching the precision and expertise with which everyone around him seemed to be performing his or her tasks, Zechs was reminded for perhaps the tenth time in as many hours that, despite his extensive academic and military education, he wasn't really suited to work steadily at much of anything now that the fighting was over.   
  
And yet, is it really over? I wouldn't be surprised if, in a generation or two, people forget the magnitude of the suffering this war has caused, and start another. Hopefully I'll be resting in real peace by then. For now though, it's safe to say the fighting is done.   
  
He could feel his lips curve into an involuntary smile at the thought. Leaning back against the side of a metal filing cabinet, Zechs let his mind wander over the events of the past few years. Images of dark battles came unbidden to the fore, but he firmly pushed them aside, seeking to remember only the good and honorable acts that had been committed by himself and others during the Earth Sphere's tragic quest for peace.   
  
Treize had been a visionary. The agonizing situation the young Duke had created had, in fact, forced leaders on both the Earth and Colonies to seriously reassess the nature of their relations. Zechs winced inwardly at the thought of his former best friend. The man had been manipulative, to be sure, but looking back now he was uncertain as to how much of the situation had really been under Treize's control. The coming of the Gundams had been more of a shock to OZ than most people would have guessed, and in the end Treize's careful planning had all come to naught. With the invention of the mobile dolls, his dream of a peaceful world, benignly ruled by the aristocracy had evaporated into nothing as though it had been destroyed by Zero's beam cannon.   
  
Zero.   
  
The pilot called Heero Yuy had been both a plague and a godsend. Zechs often wondered how things would have turned out had not that surly youth disrupted the course of history with his determination to protect the colonies--disregarding his own life for his mission. And Relena. He still couldn't understand why Heero had taken it upon himself to protect her in the end, but deep down in his heart Zechs knew he was grateful.   
  
And Noin had saved his humanity.   
  
Despite their earlier conversation on the landing strip, Zechs was still baffled as to why she had been so willing to welcome him back into the warmth of her friendship. He had nearly killed her, after all. Not only that, but his crazy scheme to forever rid the earth sphere of war would have cost millions of lives. Yet somehow, she understood. He knew that she knew that his motives had been pure, no matter what bloodthirsty aspirations the rest of the world had ascribed to his actions aboard libra. She loved him. For better or worse-though she had never said it to his face he knew.   
  
I'm finding my way back to sanity again   
Though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when i get there   
  
Suddenly he realized that the dull roar had died down somewhat. Fewer people seemed to be running distractedly to and fro, and Those who were seated at the consols seemed to be engrossed for the most part in the tasks they had been assigned. Glancing at his watch, zechs was surprised to discover that it was past midnight on the 29th. He had nearly forgotten that it was Christmas time. Little celebrating had taken place this holiday season, just as it had been forgon one year earlier as the future of the world hung in the balance   
  
"You wanna go?" Noin was at his elbow, smiling tiredly.   
  
"Where"  
  
He was surprised to see a faint blush color her cheeks.   
  
"Well, you need a place to stay, right?"  
  
Now it was his turn to be embarrassed. "Yes, but I don't want to impose..."  
  
"Oh, it's not a problem. You'll never find a hotel room in Brussels tonight. If you don't mind sleeping on the sofa, you're welcome to stay at my place."  
  
"Thanks, Noin."  
  
"Let me just go grab my stuff-I'm so tired I'm likely to forget something. Be right back." She spun on her heel and headed over to the other side of the room, leaving him to watch after her with a bemused expression.  
  
How could she possibly be so willing to forgive and forget?  
  
The answer was simple. Very likely she wasn't. If he knew Noin, she was trying her hardest to subdue any feelings of resentment or disappointment she was feeling. And that meant that they would surface eventually. Zechs didn't want to think about what would happen then.   
  
"So your Zechs Marquise."   
  
"I am," he replied, gazing levelly back at the tall blonde woman standing in front of him. "Sally Po, wasn't it."   
  
"That's right." She was looking at him the way Zechs had seen many an exasperated drill sergeant size up a less than satisfactory cadet.   
  
"Is there something you want?"  
  
"Not especially. I was just wondering how long you're planning to stick around."   
  
At first Zechs was confused-what on earth could she be talking about? Then the full implication of her words struck him and he tensed, feeling as though he'd just been dealt a physical blow.   
  
"I have joined the Preventers, madam, as you can plainly see." Allowing his lips to curve into a sardonic smile, Zechs indicated the uniform jacket and his id badge. "Unless you have some sort of valid objection I intend to stay for quite some time."   
  
Sally's eyebrows rose-not much, but enough to clearly indicate her displeasure. "That's funny. Noin mentioned something about Mars..." She folded her arms across her chest, gazing at him with a look of innocent inquiry that was belied by her posture.   
  
Zechs allowed himself to relax. Clearly she had misunderstood his intentions.  
  
"That's right. She has consented to return to Mars with me-I've been recovering there for the past few months. The project is coming along nicely and I intend to ask Lady Une for permission to set up a small Preventers' outpost on the colony. You are doubtless aware of the tendency for new settlements to become bases for those who wish to avoid the close scrutiny of the government. I believe some level of surveillance would be beneficial. Wouldn't you agree?"   
  
He couldn't produce the same winning smile that had become one of Treize's most distinctive features, but Zechs met Sally's gaze with a look that attempted to convey the honesty and sincerity in everything he had just said. Sliding his hands into his pockets, Zechs regarded her open countenance, hoping that she would understand even those things that he had left unsaid.   
  
I take a breath and hold on tight   
Spin around one more time   
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace  
  
She tilted her head, her gaze seeking and fastening to his. Unused to directly meeting the eyes of those to whom he spoke, Zechs had to will himself not to look away. After what seemed like a very long time, Sally nodded. Her golden braids bobbed slightly as she did so, and the friendly smile she fleetingly bestowed on him gave Zechs the impression that this woman's aloof distrust was merely the result of her being a young but careworn military woman.   
  
"I see," was all she said, but he knew that was enough.   
  
Noin was approaching, and as Sally turned to go she laid a hand on the dark haired woman's shoulder. It rested there for only a brief moment, but the unexpected physical contact made Noin glance up at her friend, a hint of concern in her violet eyes.   
  
"You gonna be all right handling this?" she asked, gesturing vaguely at the backs of the dozen or so Preventers busily typing and making phone calls at there consoles. "I can stay a bit longer, if you need me..."  
  
"Are you kidding?" asked Sally, removing her hand from Noin's jacket and folding her arms. "You've been fighting a mobile suit battle for the last few hours, and prior to that you were on reconnaissance duty with me. Go home and get some rest...leave the mop up work to those of us who weren't involved in the fighting."   
  
Noin smiled gratefully, then Motioned for Zechs to come with her. "Thanks Sal," she called over her shoulder, as the two of them stepped past the sliding metal panel into the surprisingly quiet corridor.   
  
They made their way through the maze of wide hallways for several minutes, climbing first one flight of stairs and then another. Finally, Zechs felt cooler air move against his cheek and he knew they must be getting close to the entrance.   
  
As they stepped outside, Zechs made bold for the second time that evening and reached for Noin's hand. Her fingers returned his clasp willingly, but he noted that her tired expression didn't change.   
  
"I don't think your friend likes me very much."  
  
"hmmm? Oh, you mean Sally. Well, you know..." her words trailed off as they reached the entrance to the parking garage and Noin removed her hand from his grasp to fumble in her pocket for her ID card.   
  
Zechs sighed softly. "Yes, I suppose I do," he acknowledged, holding the door wide for her to pass through.   
  
She smiled up at him in the dim light, the orangey glow of the garage's oddly colored bulbs casting her face in a mixture of gold and shadow.   
  
"Don't let it bother you too much. She'll get used to it."  
  
Zechs wasn't sure how to reply to that. Instead, he indicated the neat wrapping on her injured wrist.   
  
"Was she a medic?"   
  
"I'm not sure," replied Noin, leading the way down one row of cars. "I know she was the officer who ran tests on Heero Yuy when he was first discovered by the alliance."  
  
"Hmmm. Interesting."  
  
They stopped beside a small blue sports car. It was plain, and Zechs couldn't accurately gage the year, but there could be no doubt that it was a top of the line automobile.  
  
"Well," he said, hoping to lighten her mood a bit, "evidently Preventers pays well."   
  
"The government thought it would be best to reward those still willing to risk their lives with ample wages to enjoy living."   
  
She unlocked the driver side door, then frowning, turned to him and held out the keys.   
  
"This may sound odd, but though I'm willing to pilot injured I'd rather not drive with my wrist like this."   
  
"I can understand that," he said, taking the keyring. Noin quickly moved around to the passenger side and climbed in, shutting the door with a thud that resounded throughout the empty garage.   
  
They drove in silence for several minutes. Once or twice Zechs had to ask for directions, but mostly each allowed one another to entertain their own private thoughts. From time to time, Zechs would glance over at Noin, admiring the way the moonlight illuminated her lovely features. Her eyes were closed, head resting back against the seat. The only sign that she was awake came from the intermittent tapping of her fingers against the door handle.   
  
The storm was brewing. He could feel it-but perhaps he was merely imagining things. Perhaps he merely expected her to be angry-knew he deserved her disappointment, if not her wrath-and the fact that she was showing signs of neither emotion was just making him edgy.   
  
Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying   
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight   
That's alright, alright with me   
  
"Noin?"  
  
"Mmmm."  
  
He paused, waiting for the light at which they were stopped to turn green. When it did, and the sports car was once again moving forward, Zechs took a deep breath and began...  
  
"Look, I don't know what you must think of me right now but..."  
  
His words were cut short by the sensation of her fingers covering his right hand, where it rested on his knee.   
  
"Let's not talk about this right now, ok?"  
  
He frowned at her, turning his head slightly to study her face. "What's wrong, Noin?"  
  
"Nothing," she replied, sitting forward and resting her injured arm on her lap. "It's just that I'm tired and..." her voice faltered slightly. "Well, I just want to be glad this is all over and that you're alive, without analyzing all the reasons I should want to kick your butt."  
  
Zechs laughed in spite of himself, turning his attention back to the road. "I can appreciate that." Then, growing serious again he added, "But Noin, I want to clear the air between us sometime. I'm certainly glad you don't want to "kick my butt" as you so eloquently put it, but in all honesty..." he trailed off, unwilling to venture any farther down that road. He'd never been good at admitting his mistakes. He would explain himself to her, and an apology was certainly in order, but Zechs didn't quite know how to express his regret without appearing weak.   
  
Funny, that I'm still afraid of that.  
  
"Turn down here," Noin commanded abruptly, indicating a quiet looking side street off to their left. Zechs did as he was told, and within minutes they were parked outside a modest but decidedly up scale apartment building.   
  
"Nice place," he commented, surveying what he could see of the neatly trimmed lawn and elegant stone facade.   
  
"I guess it used to belong to some member of the aristocracy," Noin replied, sliding out of the passenger seat and holding out her hand for the keys. "My guess is that whatever family it was ran into financial trouble, 'cause this place was converted to apartments a good fifty years ago."  
  
Zechs did not reply as he followed Noin up the neatly swept flight of stone steps that led to the front door. She pressed her palm to a panel imbedded into the wall, which beeped cheerfully and released the lock with a barely audible click.   
  
Inside, the corridor was lit by two narrow lines of florescent lighting. They passed through the lobby, which Zechs assumed must once have been a grand entryway, and began to mount the wide staircase at it's opposite end.   
  
"I hope your apartment isn't on the fifth floor," he quipped, making sure to keep his voice low for the benefit of anyone whose dwelling might front the curved, balcony like second story hallway.   
  
Noin snorted. "What, a strong soldier like you overtaxed by a couple flights of stairs?"  
  
Zechs resisted the urge to reach out and muss her short hair, knowing that, sprained wrist or no, he would likely receive a playful but firm punch in the gut. It was so good to feel young again-it had been years since he and Noin could comfortably joke with one another. Not since the days before his long mission to space in AC 194.   
  
To his relief, Noin's apartment was only up one more flight of steps. She led him around one corner and down a short hallway, until they reached the last door on the right. There was a large window at the end of the hall, it's dark heavy curtains drawn against the winter chill. Just as Noin was fitting her key into the lock on her front door, Zechs was startled to see the heavy fabric part and the tousled blond head of a boy poke out.   
  
"Hey, Miss Noin."  
  
Dropping her keys, Noin whirled around. "Gods, Stephen, you scared me!" Then, frowning, she added, "What are you doing out here at this time of night-I highly doubt your sole motive was to make me jump half out of my skin."  
  
"Nah," the boy called Stephen replied, bringing his bluejean clad legs out from behind the curtain. "I was just sleeping on the window seat 'cuz mom and what's his name aren't back yet."  
  
Noin sighed softly. "Did you forget your key?"  
  
"Well, sort of." Stephen looked sheepish. "She didn't tell me they were going out when I left, so I didn't check in my pocket to make sure I had it."  
  
Noin shook her head, glancing down at her watch. "Well, you might as well come in for a little while. It's almost one thirty, so I'm sure she'll be back soon."  
  
Steven looked unconvinced, but once Noin had finished unlocking her apartment he followed her and Zechs inside. When the plain but artistic looking ceiling fixture glowed to life, it illuminated a fairly large living room, furnished with taste but little elegance. Like every other dwelling he could remember Noin occupying, this one was exceedingly neat, but there were a few haphazardly strewn items-mostly books and empty glasses-that gave it a very homey appearance.   
  
"Food anyone?" Noin asked, draping her Preventer jacket over a hook to the left of the door. Zechs followed suit, eyeing Steven surreptitiously. He couldn't help but feel irritated by the child's unexpected intrusion. He had hoped to be alone with Noin-at least for a little while before exhaustion claimed them both.   
  
Grow up, Zechs. What were you planning to do, exactly? She's tired, and she told you already that she didn't want to talk about the past right now. Be patient, and stop acting like a spoiled princeling.   
  
"Wat'd you do to your wrist, Miss Noin?" inquired Steven, pointing at the bandage. Then his eyes widened, taking on a look of pure childish enthusiasm. 'I bet you fought in the battle tonight, didn't you! Wow! What was it like?"  
  
Zechs walked to the window, only half listening as noin recounted the story of the previous evening's events to her eager young friend. He gazed out into the darkness, watching the moon sink lower toward the horizon. Letting his thoughts wander, Zechs wondered what it would be like if things were this way all the time. If this was his home, not just somewhere he was staying as an awkward and self-conscious guest. If Noin was telling this story to their son...  
  
He shook his head, dispelling the happy fantacy. Perhaps, one day, but for right now he and she were...well, what exactly were they? He had held her hand twice, and she hadn't pulled away. But still, did that mmean they were more than friends? Even if they both knew the extent of the other one's feelings, they still needed to say it, didn't they?   
  
You may be a military genius, but love needs a completely different sort of strategy.   
  
"All I could scrounge up was some milk and cookies," Noin was saying as she emerged from the kitchen bearing a tray of plates and glasses. Zechs noted that despite his having made no request for food, she had brought enough for three. Setting the tray on the coffee table, where Stephen eagerly pounced on it, Noin strode over to the window and tapped Zechs on the shoulder.   
  
"Hey, come over and eat something." Then, looking embarrassed she added, "I think I forgot to introduce you-This is Steven Bryant, and Steven, this is..." Her voice faltered and she looked at Zechs, a question in her eyes. Immediately perceiving the problem, Zechs stepped over to the coffee table, laying his hand on her shoulder as he passed.   
  
"How do you do, Stephen. I'm Zechs Marquise."  
  
The boy nearly choked on the chocolate chip cookie he had just crammed into his mouth. Looking as though he wanted to simultaneously jump up and down and faint, Stephen extended his hand.   
  
"Nice to meet you," he breathed, as Zechs accepted his rather crumby handshake.  
  
Once Stephen had come somewhat to grips with the idea that he was having a midnight snack with a legend, time began to pass rather quickly. Zechs was amazed to find himself conversing comfortably with the youth and Noin about all manner of topics. Maybe it was because he was tired, but Zechs was certain he was finding it easier to smile. Somewhere around his eighth cookie he wondered if his jaw muscles would hurt the next day from the unaccustomed act of curving his lips up.   
  
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door   
And listen to you breathing   
Its where i wanna be, yeah   
Where I wanna be   
  
When the carton of milk had been exhausted and only a few crumbs remained on the cookie plate that had earlier been heaped high, Noin glanced at her watch.   
  
"Wow. It's nearly three fifteen!" A yawn escaped her as she stretched her arms up over her head, arching her back until the bones popped softly. "Look Stephen, I don't know when your mom's coming home. Why don't you just spend the night here...I already promised Zechs the couch, but I can rig something for you on the floor, if you'd like.   
  
As if on cue, a brisk knock sounded at the front Door. Noin motioned for her guests to remain seated as she rose to answer it. No sooner had she opened the panel a crack than a tall, thin, blond haired woman flounced her way into the room.  
  
"Really, I hate to bother you, Miss Noin, but have you seen-oh, there you are. Stephen, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, don't leave the house without your keys!"   
  
Even from where he sat on the sofa, Zechs could smell the reek of alcohol on her breath.   
  
"Where's Dan?" Stephen wanted to know. The moment his mother had entered the room, the boy's attitude had visibly changed. Before he had been leaning forward, intently listening to Zechs recount stories of his days at Lake Victoria. Now, he was slouched down against the sofa pillows, legs crossed indolently, a belligerent scowl on his previously sunny countenance.   
  
"Across the hall, sleeping. Which is where you should be. Now hurry up and..."  
  
"Passed out, you mean."  
  
"Shut up, Stephen. Get up off that couch and get your butt across the hall!"  
  
Zechs rose, unsure of what to do. Images of his adored mother's sweet face flew through his mind. She would never have treated Relena or himself this way.   
  
"I've enjoyed this evening, Stephen," he said, holding out his hand to the boy. "Perhaps you can join us again sometime soon."   
  
"Yes," Noin added, coming to stand behind the youth and putting her hand on his shoulder. "We'll be looking forward to that."  
  
Reluctantly, Stephen followed his somewhat unsteady mother out of Noin's apartment. Once the door was shut behind them, Noin let out a heavy sigh.   
  
"Poor kid," Zechs commented, stepping up behind her and putting an arm about her waist. He was surprised to feel her stiffen, but before he could remove his arm Noin had relaxed into his embrace.   
  
They stayed like that for several minutes, neither one speaking. There was no need.   
  
I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth   
And i'm trying to identify the voices in my head   
God which one's you  
  
For all he and Treize had fought and sacrificed, they had not ridden the world of war. They had managed to illiminate the need for large scale battles, but the private wars of people like Stephen still raged on.   
  
Perhaps this is the sort of thing Relena can help to correct. She may have the power to at least get people thinking along the lines of helping kids like him.  
  
After several minutes, Noin pulled away, rubbing her eyes with the back of her uninjured hand. "I don't know about you, but I'm beat."  
  
"Oh, believe me, I could sleep for a week."  
  
Noin groaned. "I don't know what the extent of your active status is, Preventer Wind, but I'll bet you anything you and I have to work tomorrow."  
  
Zechs frowned. "Aren't there enough agents swarming about that place? Do they really need to pester us-after all, we are the only two who participated in combat."  
  
Noin shrugged. "Who knows. Lady Une may decide to cut us some slack."  
  
The two of them looked at one another and laughed.   
  
Within ten minutes, Noin had spread a sheet over the sofa and deposited a folded quilt at the foot of the makeshift bed. Without thinking, Zechs drew his shirt up over his head, tossing it carelessly into a corner near the TV. He turned around to see Noin studiously averting her gaze, a full blush creeping up into her face.   
  
"Sorry. I'm not used to sharing my quarters with females."  
  
"It's ok." She looked at him-although Zechs was amused to note that her eyes traveled no lower than his shoulders. "Do you think he'll be ok?"  
  
"Who? Stephen?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Zechs sat on the couch and began to unlace his boots. "I'm sure he'll be fine."  
  
"I'm gonna mis that kid...he comes around a lot."  
  
Zechs nodded, uncertain how to comfort her. Was she having second thoughts about returning with him to Mars?  
  
"Well," she said, squaring her shoulders. "I guess I should get some sleep.".   
  
When she had reached the door to her room, Zechs called her back.  
  
"What?"  
  
He paused, choosing his words carefully. "He seems like a pretty strong kid. He obviously respects and likes you-you've been good for him. He's lucky to have someone like you...someone kind. Don't feel guilty about what you can't fix."  
  
She smiled wanly. "Thanks. I guess it takes one to know one. Goodnight, Zechs."   
  
Before he could say another word, she had shut the door.   
  
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel   
And break these calluses off me one more time   
  
Long after the sounds of Noin moving about in her bedroom had ceased, Zechs lay awake, thinking. What had she meant by that comment. She couldn't possibly have intended to imply that he was as kind as she. Of course, that was the sort of thing Noin would do but...   
  
This was all so foreign. Staying up late, talking to a strange child and the woman he loved. Feeling-at home. Zechs liked the sensation, he couldn't deny that. But at the same time, it was rather frightening. Something inside him was just waiting for the bubble to burst. Waiting for him to be thrown out into the cold again.   
  
And yet, hadn't he created that icy void himself, in some respects? Obviously, the Alliance's brutal murder of his family hadn't been his fault, but the fact that he had so diligently sought for revenge at the expense of everything else he held dear-that, certainly, was his responsibility alone. During those long, agonizing months of recovery, first on a small, rather out of the way colony and then on Mars, Zechs had had little to do but ponder over the events of his life. At first, his self analysis had consisted almost entirely of bitter recriminations, but after a few weeks he had come to the startling realization that such emotional flogging was just as selfish as his previous bouts of guilt and anger had been.   
  
It hadn't been easy. Zechs had been unaware of how much he truly feared taking an honest look into his soul until he had no choice but to do so. But as he'd lain there, barely able to move, listening to the constant droning of the television set his room mate insisted on allowing to play almost 24 hours a day, Zechs had been forced to hear the speeches of every politician, bureaucrat and world leader expounding on his or her hopes for a peaceful and fulfilling future.   
  
He'd heard Relena, and although to his ears her voice still sounded astonishingly childlike, there could be no denying the confidence and self assurance she possessed. Each time she had made a public address, from her speech of good will on the eve of the creation of ESUN to her acceptance of the position as the Earth Sphere's Vice Foreign Minister, throngs of cheering citizens had nearly drowned out her words with the expressions of their enthusiasm. Even the nurses would pause during their rounds, gazing up at Relena's image on the television screen and applauding softly.   
  
He was proud of her.   
  
Proud, and ashamed of himself for letting her down.   
  
But it had been his act of aggression that had paved the way toward peace. He knew that, although for a long time Zechs insisted upon clinging to his guilt. Looking back now, comfortably sprawled on Noin's thickly padded sofa, he supposed his self loathing had become a twisted source of security.   
  
Slowly, however, Zechs began to realize that if he was destined to live in spite of all his efforts to the contrary, he might as well embrace his fate with some semblance of grace. His trademark platinum locks had, miraculously, emerged only slightly singed from the explosion that had shattered a significant number of his bones. But for a few narrow scars, expertly hidden by the skillful hand of a surgeon, his face had also not been damaged. Zechs couldn't imagine how the nurses and his fellow patients could not recognize him, and, assuming they must, why they continued to treat him with courtesy rather than the contempt he deserved.   
  
One morning, after a grueling physical therapy session, he got his answer.   
  
*****  
  
Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying   
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight   
  
  
It was nearly July, and Zechs was finally able to slide from his wheelchair into his lowered hospital bed. Cursing softly, he allowed his aching body to relax against the only moderately comfortable pillows, grateful for the pitcher of ice water within easy reach of his right arm. With a grunt, he hauled himself up into a semi sitting position and picked up his glass, glancing momentarily at the man occupying the bed next to his.   
  
In all their months as room mates, the two had spoken to one another but rarely. Zechs preferred to be left alone, and, sensing that, the other man had let him be. That morning, however, he was sitting upright in bed, reading a newspaper, and when Zechs began to pour himself some water the man looked up.   
  
"Morning."  
  
Zechs nodded, swallowing the contents of his glass in one gulp.   
  
"Rough session?"  
  
Yeah."  
  
"I've been there." The man, whose name was Paul, held up his paper, giving Zechs a glimpse of the picture on the front. It was Relena, and despite his wish to appear disinterested Zechs strained to read the headline.   
  
"Wanna borrow this?"  
  
"If you don't mind."  
  
"No problem...heads up!" Paul expertly sailed the newspaper into Zechs waiting hands.   
  
Nodding his thanks, Zechs quickly scanned the article. Nothing spectacular-Relena was beginning a tour of the colonies this week. He let his gaze rest on the slightly blurry black and white photo of his little sister standing amidst a group of other politicians at some conference or other. She had cut her hair. The more mature style suited her, but Zechs noted that it was beginning to grow out again.   
  
"She's quite a lady."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Silence. Then, "I'd be mighty proud to have her in my family."  
  
Zechs head snapped up. Paul was watching him, an amused half smile on his normally taciturn face.   
  
"You didn't think it was any kind of secret, did you?"  
  
"No, I suppose not."  
  
Both men were silent for a moment, then Zechs inquired, "So why didn't they contradict me, when I gave them a faulse name?" He frowned down at the white pplastic wrist band that read, "Otto Walker."  
  
Paul shook his head. "You fought, as you said, for the colonies-but you don't really understand us." He gestured vaguely about the room. "These places-the colonies-are too small for people to hold grudges. To survive we have to get along. The Alliance and OZ are gone. ESUN seems determined to be fair with us-why should anyone contest your right to live how and as whomever you choose?"  
  
That's alright, alright with me  
  
*****  
  
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside of your door   
And listen to you breathing   
Its where I wanna be,  
  
Zechs smiled in the darkness. After that morning, something within him had clicked. Even now he couldn't put his finger on it, but ever since then living had seemed like so much less of a burden. It was no longer a punishment for his sins-rather, although he knew he was a long way from forgiving himself, Zechs knew that he'd been given a gift.   
  
A heavy stillness had settled over the building. Occasionally he would hear a soft sound from behind the door to Noin's room. He wondered what she was dreaming of. He wondered too, when she would be ready to talk to him about the deeper matters that he knew must be troubling her. It wasn't that he looked forward to that prospect-Zechs suspected it would very likely be like removing the scar tissue from only recently healed wounds. But he had resigned himself to the fact that he owed her that.   
  
Sometime around dawn, Zechs drifted into the most peaceful sleep he'd experienced in a very, very long time. At one point he was sure he heard a comlink beeping, but after a slight rustling and the murmur of voices silence reigned again and he allowed himself to relax back into sleep. When he finally did awaken, sunlight was streaming in through the tall picture window at the opposite end of the room. Feeling wonderfully refreshed, Zechs stretched luxuriously and rolled over onto his side.   
  
And promptly fell off the couch.   
  
Somewhere off to his right, Zechs heard a muffled choke of laughter. He looked up to see Noin, clad in a pair of long sleeved cream colored pajamas, holding one hand over her mouth to stifle the sound of her amusement. Zechs tried to sit up, but only succeeded in tangling his limbs in the quilt that had fallen with him and planting his elbow on top of his hair, which unfortunate action produced a painful jolt when he tried to lift his head. Cursing groggily, he laid back down on the floor, scowling over at Noin who just laughed harder.   
  
"Well, good morning to you too. I'm glad you're finding this so amusing-what time is it?"  
  
Noin made a visible effort to regain control over her lungs before replying, "Nearly three thirty."  
  
"What!" This time Zechs had no trouble sitting bolt upright.  
  
"Don't worry-Sally called me around nine to let me know that Une doesn't want us to report in till six. Even then, I doubt she'll want more from us than a bit of paperwork and our signatures on the documents permitting the destruction of our mobile suits."   
  
Zechs felt as though he'd just been kicked. Of course-he'd expected this, but the prospect of parting forever with Tallgeese was unexpectedly painful. He associated that suit, in it's various forms, with most of the honorable things he'd done as a soldier. However, he would be the last to argue that mobile suit weapons were still necessary in this new era. It was time to let go.   
  
"You ok?" Noin looked concerned. Zechs let his eyes roam over her, taking in the disorderly curling of her as yet uncombed hair and the comfortable way her pajamas accentuated her compact figure without revealing too much. She was beautiful.   
  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
*****  
  
Upon arriving at Preventer headquarters, Noin led the way through the maze of packed corridors to Lady Une's office. In truth, it was more like a suite of offices, encompassing nearly half of one whole floor. He and Noin passed by the desks of several harried looking secretaries and security personnel, all of whom acknowledged Noin's polite greetings with a cheerful wave and thumbs up, indicating that she was known and trusted. Zechs wondered why none of them bothered to ID him, but he supposed that being in Noin's company automatically placed him above suspicion.   
  
He was proud for her-glad that she merited such high respect.   
  
Finally, they reached a plain dorr marked only by an unassuming brass nameplate. Noin's brisk knock was acknowledged almost instantly, and the two of them stepped inside Une's dimly lit office. The lady was standing at the window, much the same way Zechs had found her the previous evening. Had it really been such a short time ago?   
  
"Good evening, Noin. Zechs." She turned toward them, and Zechs was surprised to see the clear signs of sleeplessness on her usually fresh countenance. Then he remembered-doubtless she had spent the previous night either here, or waiting beside Mariemeia's bedside. Apparently, the child had been injured during the final struggle for power within the destroyed bunker.   
  
"Good evening, Lady," replied Noin, moving to lean against the wall to the right of the door. Zechs followed her, but remained standing upright. "I'm grateful for the rest you permitted us this morning."  
  
Une waved her hand dismissively. "I've got hundreds of agents to pick up the slack. You two were amazing yesterday. You deserved the break. However," she pinned Zechs with an only slightly softened version of the piercing stare he knew all too well from his days in OZ. "I am a bit curious to know how long we are to have the privlege of your skills here on Earth, Preventer Wind.   
  
Zechs returned her stare, undaunted. He was used to Lady Une's brusque manner, and had no intention of letting her tersness irritate him. "As I informed you yesterday, Lady, I intend to return to Mars, with your permission, of course. I believe we are in agreement that there is a distinct need for ESUN to keep watch on even the newest settlements-I suspect the events of recent days have made that quite clear."  
  
"Indeed. Well, I have no objections to putting you in charge of a small force, consisting of perhaps eight or so Preventers, which would be responsible for patrolling the outlying settlements. However, I'll have to clear the need for such a force with the person in charge of the Martian terraforming project-after all, I think it's only fair that she's aware of your impending presence."  
  
Beside him, Zechs felt Noin shift uncomfortably. He knew perfectly well what the Lady was getting at, and was irritated with his friend for not warning him. Of course, this was necessary, but it was bound to be extremely awkward.   
  
"By that I take it that this needs to be oked by the Vice Foreign Minister, correct?"  
  
"Precisely, and as luck would have it, I believe she's due any minute to discuss ESUN's anticipated policy changes in the wake of the X18999 debacle. Perhaps you'd like to present the idea to her yourself?" The suggestion was phrased in the form of a question, but Zechs knew he was trapped. This was a test, and he knew that in order to completely win this woman's trust he must face and pass this trial with flying colors.   
  
"As you wish," he said levelly, making a mental note to take Noin to task doubly for not giving him a heads up. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her placid expression-no, not placid. More like a poker face. She'd known all right.   
  
His thoughts were interrupted by a light tapping on the door.   
  
"Come in," Une called, walking around her desk and sitting down on the edge.   
  
Zechs took a deep breath and willed himself to relax. Whatever Relena must think of him, it didn't matter. She had her nitch, he was making his. Although he still thought of her as his baby sister, she knew him to be far more and at the same time far less than a loving brother.   
  
No use feeling sorry for yourself. It's your fault things turned out the way they did.   
  
"Good evening, Lady."  
  
"Good evening, Minister Darlian. I believe you already know Preventers Wind and Fire--Zechs Marquise and Lucretzia Noin."  
  
She seemed taller than he remembered. Dressed in a sky blue dress suit and matching heels, Relena looked every inch the politician. Zechs was ashamed to feel himself growing slightly dizzy as he watched her extend her hand, first to Noin and then...  
  
"How do you do, Mr. Marquise?"  
  
"Well, thank you, Vice Foreign Minister."   
  
The meeting seemed to pass in a blur. Relena was more than receptive to his idea-In fact, to his surprise, she was downright enthusiastic.   
  
"I think we've all seen the folly of such a strictly hands off approach to colonial surveillance. A small force will ensure that we at least get prompt and up to date information here on Earth. Have you considered who the others on the team will be?" He wasn't certain, but Zechs thought he saw her shoot a sidelong glance at Noin.   
  
"Actually, Ma'am," Noin began, straightening her shoulders. "Zechs was kind enough to ask me to join him-that is, if you have no objections."  
  
To his surprise, Une looked almost amused. The half smile she bestowed upon the two of them said clearly, "I expected as much."  
  
"I have no objections." Then, checking her watch, the Lady slid off her desk. "It's getting late, and Minister Darlian and I still have a great deal to discuss. Noin, Sarah out front has some paperwork she needs you to fill out-we'll discuss Tallgeese and Taurus another time. I expect I'll see you two tomorrow morning...I'm sure Sally will have plenty to occupy you."   
  
Noin nodded, holding open the door. "Thank you."  
  
Une smiled faintly, then turned back to Relena.   
  
As Zechs reluctantly turned to leave, he heard his sister's soft voice ask to be excused for a moment-she needed some water.   
  
Noin was already halfway down the corridor when he stepped out of Une's office, and as Zechs quickly sought to orient himself he was at once delighted and apprehensive to see Relena following him. She shut the door with a decisive click, leaning back against it and surveying him with the saim appraising gaze that she'd used upon their first meeting on Libra.   
  
"Well," he asked, returning her stare. He'd known this would have to come sometime, he just hadn't expected it to be so soon. He'd hoped to get things sorted out with Noin before he had to deel with his quixotic little sister.   
  
"When exactly were you planning to tell me you were alive?" Her voice held no anger, merely a tone of inquiry that forbade him to withhold the information she sought.   
  
"Eventually-but I didn't know what to say."  
  
Might as well be honest-it worked with Noin so...  
  
"I see."   
  
Silence. Then, reaching into her pocket, Relena drew forth a small white card. Before he could object, she'd taken his hand and closed his fingers about the slip of thin cardboard.   
  
"Take this. When you know what to say, my line's always free." Without another word, she turned and strode down the hall, in the opposite direction of the way Noin had gone.   
  
Oh i don't want a thing from you   
Bet you're tired of me waiting for   
The scraps to fall off of your table to the ground   
  
The paperwork took only a few minutes, and before Zechs knew it they were back on the street, once again making their way toward the parking garage. Darkness had already fallen and the air held a strong chill. Neither he nor Noin spoke as they climbed into the car-in fact, no words passed between them until they had gone several miles down the road. Finally, Zechs, who had once again become the designated driver, glanced over at Noin out of the corner of his eye.   
  
"You should have warned me."  
  
"Why? Would you have behaved any differently?"  
  
"No, I suppose not but..."  
  
"Then why should I have told you. I figured you were intelligent enough to figure that out for yourself."  
  
Irritated, Zechs didn't reply for a moment. What was wrong with her? She'd been fine with him when they'd spoken earlier-so why was she being so cross?  
  
"Forgive me for not living up to your expectations of the extent of my intellect."  
  
She didn't speak, and neither did he. All the rest of the way back to her apartment, silence hung in the air between them like a pall. Zechs was annoyed with himself for being childish, and annoyed with Noin for making him act that way.   
  
And there you go again. YOU made yourself act that way. No more excuses, Lightening Count. You were waiting for the storm. Well, it's on the horizon, so get ready.   
  
Upon reaching Noin's apartment, Zechs held the door open for her as they entered. Carefully removing Relena's card from his pocket, Zechs stood for a long moment looking down at it. His first inclination was to tear it up. She'd grow to forget she even had a brother, and be free of his guilty presence forever. Clenching his other hand into a fist, Zechs resolutely opened his wallet and slipped the card inside. Running wasn't going to get him anywhere. It was time to explore what was behind the countless doors he'd closed during his life.   
  
Noin made her way into the kitchen. He heard her run some water into a glass and then the rattling of a pill bottle. After a moment, he heard a thump and a muffled curse, and, mildly concerned, he strode into the kitchen to see what was going on.   
  
"Can you open this?" Noin wanted to know, scowling angrily down at the container of pain killers she'd slammed down on the counter in frustration. "I can't get it one handed."  
  
"Wrist hurt?" he inquired, obediently popping the cap off and pouring out two of the purple ovoid capsules.  
  
"yeah." She downed the pills and half her glass of water in record time, then clumsily recapped the pill bottle and placed it back in the cupboard.   
  
"Look Noin, I..."   
  
Suddenly she was angry again. "Not now, ok Zechs. I'm not in the mood." Before he could protest, she had pushed past him, strode across the living room and closed the door to her bedroom.  
  
Cause i just wanna be here now   
  
He stood for a moment, glaring coldly at the wooden panel that separated him from her. Perhaps this had all been a big mistake. Maybe the darker side of his conscience was right. After all, how was he supposed to apologize when every time he tried she told him not to? Worse yet, he couldn't even figure out what he'd done wrong this time. Maybe he'd been a bit childish on the way home, but that was no reason for her to lock herself in her room and not deal with him. Why, she was being more selfish than he, the way things were going.   
  
Perhaps he should just leave.   
  
But then, she'd consented to leave everything she held dear here on Earth and follow him into space. She was willing to leave Stephen, Sally-even this comfortable little home she'd made for herself-all for him. Why?   
  
Because she loved him.   
  
He couldn't deny it. She'd never said it to his face-but then again, he'd never confessed his feelings for her either. Although he'd long since stopped pretending to himself that she was no more than a friend, Zechs suddenly realized that perhaps she had no idea. Maybe the fact that he'd taken her hand last night hadn't been enough. Noin was a strong, no nonsense soldier and a deeply sensitive friend. But she was also a woman. Memories of a conversation he had once had with Treize, of all people, came flooding back to the forefront of his mind.  
  
"I used to believe that love has no place in the life of a soldier. Now I realize that it is precisely love that spurs on the greatest warriors. Love for there families, love for their countries-Zechs, when you love something, don't let yourself deny that feeling."  
  
Looking back, Zechs suspected that his former friend and mentor must have been referring to his relationship with Mariemeia's mother-a colonial woman, or so the records said. He could still remember his own response to Treize's assertion.   
  
But, doesn't love make you weak?"  
  
"It can, if you let it control you. Learn to control your love-use it to strengthen you and to give you a reason to keep on fighting."  
  
And there it was. Zechs was still uncertain of how to go about living, but he was determined to try. That was his fight now-to overcome the living grave he'd so willingly thrown himself into as a boy. Let the world think him dead-he would prove them wrong a hundred times over.   
  
But he didn't want to live on his own.   
  
Gathering his courage, Zechs moved to stand in front of Noin's door. He couldn't hear anything through the thick wooden barrier, so he knocked experimentally.   
  
No answer.  
  
Zechs turned the handle, surprised when the door opened easily. She hadn't locked it after all. Glancing quickly about the small room, Zechs was struck by how much it smelled like her. Fresh and clean, with a hint of lavender and cinnamon.   
  
But Noin was no where to be seen.   
  
Perplexed, Zechs took a few steps forward. That was when he saw the half open curtains, revealing the pair of French doors and balcony beyond. Noin was right. This place must definitely have belonged to a family of aristocrats. Taking a deep breath, Zechs strode over to the doors, pushing them open unceremoniously.   
  
Noin was seated on a stone bench that ran along the circular railing. In fact, Zechs noted that it was actually part of the railing, with the seat and it's tall wide back making up the only barrier between those sitting on it and the three story drop below.   
  
"Noin?"  
  
She didn't answer. Her injured arm lay in her lap, but her other hand rested on the back of the bench. She was turned so that she was facing almost completely opposite him, gazing out over the brilliantly lit city below.   
  
Suddenly very shy, Zechs paused for a long moment in the doorway, allowing the chill wind to toss his long bangs about as it wished. However, when after several minutes Noin didn't turn to face him, Zechs took another deep breath and walked up behind her.   
  
He'd never been a religious person, but Zechs found himself silently praying that this was the right thing to do.  
  
Placing his hands on Noin's shoulders, he began to gently kneed his fingers into her tense muscles. At first she stiffened, but when he didn't let go she seemed to relax into his touch.   
  
Step one. At least that had gone well. Now what?  
  
Suddenly Zechs heard a soft sound, almost like a hiccup. Noin raised her good hand to her face, and to his horror Zechs felt her shoulders begin to twitch spasmodically.   
  
Was she...crying?  
  
Calm, capable, unflappable noin. This wasn't right at all. Zechs was now completely at a loss.  
  
"Noin...I'm sorry I-" he trailed off, thoroughly confused and uncertain of what to say that wouldn't just make things worse.   
  
"It's not your fault I just...I-"  
  
Without thinking, Zechs slid his arms around her waist. Sitting down beside her on the bench he gently rotated her body until her head was resting against his shoulder.   
  
"It's ok, Noin."   
  
I'm not quite sure what to do now but...  
  
To his relief Zechs felt her slide her right arm around him, although her left with it's injured wrist remained in her lap. She burrowed her head into the fabric of his jacket, sniffling softly.  
  
They sat like that for several minutes, both embarrassed and extremely confused, but nevertheless enjoying one another's proximity. Finally Noin made as if to pull away, only to be held even more firmly by Zechs tightening embrace.   
  
Sighing, she laid her head back against his chest. "Sorry. I don't know why I..."  
  
"Noin?"  
  
"Hmmmm?"  
  
"You know I love you, don't you?"  
  
Zechs felt her shoulders tense, and for one hideous moment he feared he'd made a terrible miscalculation. Then he felt her arm tighten about his waist, and the electric sensation of her lips brushing against his cool cheek.   
  
"Yes, but it's nice to hear you say it."   
  
Once again there was silence, but this time it spoke of companionship, rather than separation.   
  
Finally Noin looked up at him, and Zechs was surprised by how beautiful the teardrops lingering on her eyelashes made her appear in the semidarkness.   
  
"Guess you'd better explain now."  
  
Despite the burden those words placed upon his heart, Zechs felt his lips curve into a smile. For the emotional weight they lifted had been even greater. She was willing to talk to him-willing to sort things out. The next few weeks, possibly even months, would likely be painful for both of them. But they would face their past together, and that was all that mattered. In the end, they'd be all right.   
  
Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying   
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight   
That's alright, alright with me   
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door   
And listen to you breathing   
Its where i wanna be, yeah   
Where I wanna be  
  
------------*End*------------  
Dies.   
  
Wow. This has been kicking around in my brain for a good two months now. All of a sudden, yesterday I just HAD to write it down. I guess my brain went bulimic on me and decided to purge itself. Now...if it would just be that compliant about my midterm papers...(looks at the Bhagavad-Gita and shakes head.)  
  
Please read and review...I know it's long, but I just really needed to get this all out of my system. There will be one more fic in this Arc-I've already got the song picked and everything. Major sap alert...you've been forewarned.   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own GW or any of the characters. You've heard it all before-go get a real job.   
The song is by Lifehouse.   
  
  
Domo Arigato,  
Lady Akemi 


End file.
